If Jesus is cool...

I just saw a piece on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. (I do love "The Daily Show.") About "Rapture letters." Here's an example. Basically, they are pre-written little communiques that you leave in your car (or wherever) to explain to the sinners left behind what is happening after the Rapture comes. The Rapture, for those God-less foks in the crowd, is an event predicted in the Book of Revelations. Just before the "end times," the people who have folllowed the biblical rules (You know, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, etc.) will all get sucked up into Heaven immediately without having to die first. This will leave everybody still here in chaos, dealing with firestorms, floods, the Anti-Christ and thousands of suddenly abandoned vehicles swerving out of control. (I guess, we'll still have time to read email though.) In the Daily Show example, this guy will email the letter to your sinning friends and loved ones for you after the Rapture happens. -- Obviously, the internet will still be here, but the guy, of course, will not, having been raptured right up. Until then, he stops the mailing from going out every week, figuring that the week he can't get to it, it'll be because he's in Heaven.

The tone of these letters is so nasty! Basically, when you cook 'em down, they say "Na na na na na! I'm in Heaven and you're stuck in Hell! HAHAHAHAHA!" Being the loving caring types that the people who send these letters are, however, they try to mitigate the gloating a bit by telling you that even though you are stuck in Hell for a while, get yourself to the "correct" church immediately and pray, and if you do it well enough, you'll be able to join them eventually -- a bit singed, but heaven-bound nonetheless. Hallelujah. Of course, by then all the good houses in the "right" neighborhoods will already be taken, but hey, you can still use the community pool on Saturdays... Just make sure you keep an eye on those brats of yours.

I started thinking about life post-rapture, and the kind of people who will no longer be here. Smug, self-satisfied hypocrites who have nothing better to do than judge their neighbors will all be gone. Sunday morning will no longer be ruined by stern southerners with pained looks on their faces screaming at me from the television about my wages of sin. George Bush will be gone! (Although I imagine his daughters will still be here.) No Jerry Falwell. Barbara, the receptionist at my job will no longer greet me every morning wearing her "What Would Jesus do?" t-shirt, and the thought of visiting a red state won't make me cringe anymore. This Rapture deal might not be so bad after all.

And I think that's the point. You know, I have no problems with Jesus, he seems to me to have been a pretty caring guy who liked to talk about valuing others and who kicked all the lawyers and priests out of his church. I can agree with all of that. It's his followers I have an issue with. So I think that this Rapture is something Jesus and his pals have cooked up for the rest of us. A nice bait-and-switch on those who love to wag their fingers. I just think that's what Jesus would REALLY do (If he was cool.)

Anyway, I'll be having a barbecue the first Saturday after -- you're all invited.