My (Toxic) Hero

John Waters will always be a hero of mine, but one I keep at great personal expense. The first time I ever saw a John Waters movie was in the early 1980's -- a college in Boston was screening "Female Trouble" and although at the time I knew nothing about him or his movies, the blurb I read made it sound interesting enough for me to make the trip in from the suburbs to check it out. My friend (OK, full disclosure -- girlfriend -- this was before I had acknowledged my own gayness) Sally and I went, and from those first moments of teenage Dawn Davenport "eating a meatball sandwich right out in class" I was totally hooked. It was one of those rare and exciting moments in life when you realize that you're not alone -- other people like you exist.

Sally and I were exhilarated after the screening, talking breathlessly about the film while we went back to the car, only to find that it had been stolen while we were in the theater. We spent the rest of the evening in the police station filling out reports.

And that's how John Waters has affected my life since then. I'm not blaming him, or holding him responsible in any way, but it seems like my dealings with him bring me great joy, but always end in tragedy. I don't know why. By 1994, I had long since left Sally and had been involved with a man named Chris for five years. We had our problems, but were basically happy -- I assumed. We found out that John Waters was appearing at an NYC comedy club, so Chris and I rushed out to get tickets. We were both looking forward to seeing him in person, and couldn't wait for the day to arrive. Then, a day before the show, completely out of the blue, Chris announced that he had been sleeping with another guy and that our relationship was over. I was devastated. My heart had been broken. The last thing we ever did as a couple was to go see... John Waters. To add insult to injury, I was so upset about the break-up, and feeling so uncomfortable about being there with Chris, that I still can't remember a single thing about the performance.

The next time I saw John Waters in person was a few years later. He was autographing DVD's at a local record store. He was kind and funny, and took time with each person, not rushing through the job, which only made me admire him more. I still have my autographed glossy 8x10. A day or two later, my boyfriend at the time announced that he needed to be free to explore a new relationship with a guy he had recently met.

So last week, John Waters was in town autographing copies of his newly released DVD "A Dirty Shame." I didn't go.